What I Couldn't Say!
by edward6234
Summary: Simply Bella's thoughts while dealing with a conflicting issue about her relationship with Edward. All human and some personal information used.


What I couldn't say!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. Nor do I own any part of the songs used here.

Summery: Simply Bella's thoughts while dealing with a conflicting issue about her relationship with Edward. All human and some personal information used.

Bella's POV.

A/N: Song pieces will be used during this story to help express certain feelings directly or to emphasize an important point. 1: Avril Lavigne - Naked. 2: Avril Lavigne - Fall to pieces. 3: Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow. Other songs: Avril Lavigne - Things I'll never say.

**"Already Gone"  
><strong>Remember all the things we wanted  
>Now all our memories, they're haunted<br>We were always meant to say goodbye  
>Even with our fists held high<br>It never would have worked out right, yeah  
>We were never meant for do or die<br>I didn't want us to burn out  
>I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop<p>

_[Chorus]  
><em>I want you to know  
>That it doesn't matter<br>Where we take this road  
>But someone's gotta go<br>And I want you to know  
>You couldn't have loved me better<br>But I want you to move on  
>So I'm already gone<p>

Looking at you makes it harder  
>But I know that you'll find another<br>That doesn't always make you wanna cry  
>It started with the perfect kiss then<br>We could feel the poison set in  
>"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive<br>You know that I love you so  
>I love you enough to let you go<p>

_[Chorus]  
><em>I want you to know  
>That it doesn't matter<br>Where we take this road  
>But someone's gotta go<br>And I want you to know  
>You couldn't have loved me better<br>But I want you to move on  
>So I'm already gone<br>I'm already gone, already gone

You can't make it feel right  
>When you know that it's wrong<br>I'm already gone, already gone  
>There's no moving on<br>So I'm already gone  
>Ah already gone, already gone, already gone<br>Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted  
>Now all our memories, they're haunted<br>We were always meant to say goodbye

_**Dating**_. … Dating someone can be a very scary thing. Sometimes things come up and then you have to talk with that other person to figure out how to make things work. … I was so used to being alone and figuring everything out own my own that _I'm not sure I know how to talk things out with a real person_. When you're dating someone you have to talk things out. … _Dating is terrifying_!

(1). But then you came around me  
>The walls just disappeared<br>Nothing to surround me  
>And keep me from my fears<br>I'm unprotected  
>See how I've opened up<br>Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before  
>I'm naked<br>Around you  
>Does it show?<br>You see right through me  
>And I can't hide<br>I'm naked  
>Around you<br>And it feels so right

My name is Bella Swan and I'm dating Edward Cullen. Yep, dating and _it is scary_! Not because he's a bad guy (Far from really!) but because I have no idea what I'm doing or how to date. See, even though we've been dating off and on for years now, its still so complicated. _Add in the getting out of high school and trying to move on with our lives as adults and you have a whole new mess of stress and complications_. Don't get me wrong, we make a great couple because we just understand each other so well and we love each other! It seems like everything is always going so great and when something comes up and we talk it out, we handle pretty much everything that comes our way … but sometimes it seems too much. Life is stressful on your own but having someone else that you really care about makes things all the more worrisome. (Not that he's not worth the worry, _cause he is_!) Its just that when one of us worries about something, the other seems to worry ten times as much about the first worrying so much. Then the first is worried about the second worrying about the first. (_It can get complicated from there_.) Of course at some point with each other worrying about the other worrying, we end up helping each other calm down until we are both fine again. So in a way we help each other when we worry so much. (_**Anyway getting off topic now**_.)

Dating is scary but I always thought dating Edward would be easier because we had this plan set. When we started dating this last time here, we had an _understanding_. Life after high school was beginning and we would both be moving on with our lives in whatever way we each wanted. (_Whether the plan was college, job, or whatever it may be_.) But one thing was certain, Edward didn't want to stay in this stupid little town anymore. _I can't say that I blame him either _but that would mean him leaving. Which at the time we first discussed the topic meant that someday we would break up and move on with our separate lives. I understood and fully agreed with what he was saying and I had been perfectly fine with this plan. … (_I should have learned from my past that nothing I ever planned worked out well for me in the end_.) A year goes by and we have our up and downs but nothing we couldn't work out. We are very much in love and spent a lot more time together than I ever really thought I'd be spending with any boy. (_Which Edward is not just __**any **__boy_!) The closer we got the better things became, we were very happy together and learned a lot from each other. It seemed like we've been friends forever and that we always would be. Of course, we always would be … _friends forever_, I mean.

I've never been one to show my emotions with others but somehow, Edward brings them out in me. Edward brings out a lot of me that I never really show … or _even knew I had_. I've learned so much since meeting him and not just about myself. I learned a lot about him as well and about love. (_Which was still strange for me to think about really_, … _**me **__in __**love**_!) We know each other so well, it like sometimes we can read each other like open books. _Scary right_? … Yeah, well its helped us a lot and even though it sometimes also causes problems, we learn to work past them. Of course other people like to help us with our relationship … _as in our friends and family_. None most of all but for Tanya and my mother. They both swear we will be together forever and deny any argument we give them. (_Tanya worst of all_!) Tanya is a dear friend of both Edward and I, but sometimes she can be a little on the _overdramatic _side. I keep telling her that we won't last forever, that Edward will be going off to college. _I've told her I was ok with him leaving but she always seems to throw a fit_. Singing over me and not listening, saying the world would die if we broke up. (_The sweet and loveable, hopeless romantic that she is_!) My mother is also on her side but probably because she's all about the heart! Mom loves stuff like weddings and happy times. She's been wanting to '_help_' plan my wedding since I was little, _when all I wanted to was watch TV and ride my bike_. I was never much the girly type. I never thought about getting married like other girls.

Sure the thought has crossed my mind once or twice over the years. (_How could it not with those two drilling it there_?) But I never wanted to plan anything out because Edward would be leaving. _What was the point in planning a wedding that was never going to happen_? … But I always indulged my mother and Tanya. I allowed them to think what the wished, planned out little details to help satisfy them until the inevitable happened. But as time past and our relationship developed more and more, I started having thoughts I'd never thought I'd ever have. (_Scary thoughts_!) … Things they were all saying started sinking in and my mind couldn't help but run through the possibilities. _That's how my mind worked after all_, took what I knew and worked out every possible out come or event. (_All so I could make a valid and well thought out decision for my life_.) That was how I used to handle everything, … on my own. With Edward dating me, I have to work with the thoughts of someone else. (_Something I was not used to doing _and clearly neither was he.) But so what, I've had new thoughts all my life … I'd run through the scenario and then move on to the next as I've always done. Well I thought so anyway. _But this time was different_.

Lately the more our family and friends bring it up the harder it is to get out of my head. The possibilities of '_what if's'_ . (Scary, _terrifying_, … _STUPID possibilities_!) We have had this plan set and sure things keep pushing it back and delaying this plan … but its still set. _Right_? … _**Yes**_! We've even talked about it! (_Well, kind of_.) But the other day my mother had trapped me in her room to talk, _not fun_. During this talk somehow she became convinced that Edward wanted to ask me to marry him … _maybe not now but down the road kind of thing_. She also said that he probably hasn't already because I'm not very open with him about my feelings. That he's unsure about my answer because I don't think and act with my heart. (She's _all about _leading your life by your heart.)And from this talk she decided that I had to talk to _him_, tell him that I'd be open to say yes, _**to tell him how I feel**_. She also brought up that it doesn't really have to be a marriage thing but rather just staying together. That we didn't need to break up just because one of us was going off to college or just '_leaving_'. A distance relationships could work if we really wanted them to. _Her other brilliant idea was to talk about moving on together, when he leaves I could go with him_. In order for me to leave her room, I had to agree to talk with Edward. (_Not before she got all crazy and tried to size me for a ring with her old engagement rings, though_.) So I did agree and then when it came down to it, I couldn't really say anything. Edward always knows when something is on my mind and sometimes begs me to tell him _but I couldn't this time_.

Honestly, _**I didn't want to talk about this with him**_. All I wanted was to enjoy the time I had with him and forget everything else. From the very first moment that I met him (_all those years ago in school_) I just knew he was a wonderful guy! Even way by then I knew he would turn out to be a great friend and in time we did become friends and even dated for the first time. It was nice and it lasted three years before our first break up. Time past and we didn't really see a lot of each other. (_Mostly due to schedule issues_.) I started hanging out with Tanya and other friends a lot more since our break up. Then during senior year things started to change, that year Edward was around a lot more. All of us friends started hang out and _Edward and I became very close again_. This lead to us getting back together and everything was going great. This was also when we agreed that about the plan, _that we weren't going to last forever_. Edward was the one that said from the beginning he was going to leave and I'd always said I was ok with that. … In truth I was ok, _**but only because I knew he could do better**_ and eventually he would find the girl he was really meant to be with. Edward is a really great guy even though he doesn't see that! I knew I wasn't the best thing for him. _He will someday find the girl that makes him the happiest he will ever be_ and he'll just know she's the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with … and _**that girl isn't likely to be me**_. So why would I want to tell him I'd be happy to go anywhere that he went or that I'd be happy to marry him if he asked me, _when I know he could have more_? I just simply rather not bring it up. I'd rather not talk about any of this!

(2) And I don't wanna fall to pieces  
>I just want to sit and stare at you<br>I don't want to talk about it  
>And I don't want a conversation<br>I just want to cry in front of you  
>I don't want to talk about it<br>Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,  
>I'd be with till the end<br>When I come undone  
>You bring me back again<br>Back under the stars  
>Back into your arms<p>

The question for some will still remain, _If he asked me to marry him one day, would I say yes_? … Yes, I'd probably say yes if I felt it was what he truly wanted but if I thought he was only asking to make me happy or any other reason but for himself then I'd have to say no. I'd never allow him to do anything that would only make him unhappy in the end. I would never want to keep him just to have him resent me or wish he'd taken a different path. But, _if by some miracle of events that _he really did want to marry me, then of course I would say yes! (_As scary as it is for me to admit_.) I've given a lot of thought to the what if … of _**what if he asked**_. I'd be more than happy if I married Edward. I could see our life together (_more or less_) and honestly it would make me happy … but this isn't about me. Its about him and I'm not going to be the one to change his plans this late in the game just because '_the idea was stuck in my head_' and other people want to see us together! I won't allow my selfish and unnatural thoughts change his plan just because I'm willing to look into a future together. _I can't even talk to him about this for fear of putting the idea in his head_. From the beginning Edward said he was going to leave and I agreed that was fine. We never talked about anything else so why would I start now? Edward wasn't changing his mind and I had no intention of do that for him. My mother and our friends may have had other plans but its not their choice. This is our lives and we will decide what is best for us! _Edward decided he will leave and I decided I will be ok when he does_. I'll be ok when we talk on the computer and when the day comes … I'll be ok when he tells me he's found the girl of his dreams. When he finally finds the girl he's meant to be with and that he's getting married. _I'll be happy for him_!

(3) And I wanna believe you,  
>When you tell me that it'll be ok,<br>Ya I try to believe you,  
>But I don't<p>

When you say that it's gonna be,  
>It always turns out to be a different way,<br>I try to believe you,  
>Not today, today, today, today, today...<p>

I don't know how I'll feel,  
>tomorrow, tomorrow,<br>I don't know what to say,  
>tomorrow, tomorrow<br>Is a different day

The fact remains that before this talk I had with my mother, I was truly set with the plan. _Sure I've thought about all the possibilities before but I always got over them_. This time it was different because my mother went a little overboard and got way too over excited about a _proposal _that wasn't even a thought yet, _much less a possibility_. I'm tired of people telling me what I want with my life and _**I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure my new and confusing feelings without dealing with other people's opinions**_! Up until this last talk I was still firmly good with my own personal plan. I'd been thinking about it as my "_Clarkson plan_" … (_not that anyone else would probably understand what that meant_.) It was a good plan and made the most sense to me up until now. NOW, I really don't know what I'm going to do because everyone else seems to have a plan for me instead. My plan was simple and actually _fit perfectly with Edward's plan_, so I thought it was great. No one really knew anything about this plan except me and I didn't think it matter until the time came to put it into action. The plan actually came to we when I was listening to the music on my computer … this song came on and I really listened to the words. They seemed to fit so perfectly with how I felt so they stuck with me and then this plan came to me. _Simple as it may seem but the point is that it helped_! I had a plan and it wouldn't effect his so I was satisfied … so why did anyone else have to say anything? Why did they have to throw their two cents in and mess with my head this way? … _I would have been happy to just enjoy life until the time came to deal with the inevitable_. But that wasn't in the plan for everyone else … NO, _they have to complicate everything_! I don't know what to do or what to say. And the worst thing of all is that he knows something is up and I can't even tell him why. I hate trying to keep things from him but I just can't deal with what will come if I do talk to him about all this. _I want to but I can't_!

**"Things I'll Never Say"  
><strong>  
>I'm tugging at my hair<br>I'm pulling at my clothes  
>I'm trying to keep my cool<br>I know it shows  
>I'm staring at my feet<br>My cheeks are turning red  
>I'm searching for the words inside my head<p>

_[Pre-Chorus]  
><em>(Cause) I'm feeling nervous  
>Trying to be so perfect<br>Cause I know you're worth it  
>You're worth it<br>Yeah

_[Chorus]  
><em>If I could say what I want to sayI  
>'d say I wanna blow you... away<br>Be with you every night  
>Am I squeezing you too tight?<br>If I could say what I want to see  
>I want to see you go down<br>On one knee  
>Marry me today<br>Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
>With these things I'll never say<p>

It don't do me any good  
>It's just a waste of time<br>What use is it to you  
>What's on my mind?<br>If it ain't coming out  
>We're not going anywhere<br>So why can't I just tell you that I care

_[Pre-Chorus]  
><em>(Cause) I'm feeling nervous  
>Trying to be so perfect<br>Cause I know you're worth it  
>You're worth it<br>Yeah

_[Chorus]  
><em>If I could say what I want to say  
>I'd say I wanna blow you... away<br>Be with you every night  
>Am I squeezing you too tight?<br>If I could say what I want to see  
>I want to see you go down<br>On one knee  
>Marry me today<br>Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
>With these things I'll never say<p>

What's wrong with my tongue  
>These words keep slipping away<br>I stutter, I stumble  
>Like I've got nothing to say<p>

_[Pre-Chorus]  
><em>(Cause) I'm feeling nervous  
>Trying to be so perfect<br>Cause I know you're worth it  
>You're worth it<br>Yeah

Guess I'm wishing my life away  
>with these things I'll never say<br>If I could say what I want to say  
>I'd say I wanna blow you...away<br>Be with you every night  
>Am I squeezing you too tight?<br>If I could say what I want to see  
>I want to see you go down<br>On one knee  
>Marry me today<br>Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
>With these things I'll never say<br>These things I'll never say

.


End file.
